Brendan "Lane" Sullivan

My Baby boy has been gone 6 now.I wake in the mornings to an overwhelming sense of emptiness.
My heart aches so much for all that could have been.For that sweet little face, and his sweet sweet smile.I miss looking into those beautiful eyes, and holding that tiny hand.
Lane, I would have gladly taken your place, you had so much living to do.6 weeks isnt much compared to my 30 + years.I will never know why, I guess Heavenly Father needed you more.
This is it 6 years thats one year for each week you lived.IT`S NOT FAIR !!! I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!


This page is dedicated to the beloved memory, of our Son Lane, who fought for 6 long weeks to stay here with his family.Lane was born at 24 weeks and 3 days on january 26 2003.He weighed 1 lb 10 oz.Besides being small the drs all thought that Lane would do well.They all told me if he made it 2 weeks he would go home.Lane did very well and was just on room air until he was 2 weeks old, then the medicine they had given him to protect him from brain bleeds had caused his bowel to perferate. I had told his nurs all night the night before that Lane didnt look good, and I was told I was being over protective.Lane came through the surgery with flying colors, he was such a fighter!!!
Things went one and Lane was gaining weight, and looking better, but at about 4 weeks he started having blood in his ostomy bag, I questioned his nurses several times about it and was brushed off, they were the nurses not me.Lane started having feces come out in his urine...I begged for tests, again I was told not to worry.After this Lane started having residual left from his feeding which is not a good sign, and he stopped gaining weight.I begged and begged for the drs and nurses to run tests to see what was wrong with my baby.I was told that I was worrying them and that my son was fine .Around the first week of march Lane starts looking REALLY bad, but he had pulled out the vet tube so they just put him on c- pap just not to have to tube him again.I think he wasnt ready for that yet.On march the 8th I am sitting in the nicu with Lane and he cries and cries like he has a tummy ache, I give him his binkie and when he tries to sucj it, he stops breathing.The nurse said that he was tired was all.Once again, Lane stops breathing, and he nurse had stepped out of the nursery.I run down to the next nursery and yell for help that my baby isnt breathing and all his monitors are alarming.
They start to run tests on Lane and his stomach has 52 ccs of fluid on it, they take ex rays of his intestins to see if he has NEC , it dosent look like he does, so its about 2 am at this point and they all tell me I need to rest.I refused to leave the hospital, so they open up a office in the nicu so I can sleep on the floor.I was woke up at 4 am by Lanes nurses, telling me that my precious baby has taken a turn for the worse.I hurry into the nursery to see my son, out of his isolette , and on a open bed, and he is on an occilator , I was devestated, every baby I saw there on those machines had died, those are for very very sick babies.Not only is Lane on that machine, all of his personal items are out of his bed, and bagged up sitting on the floor.Right then, I knew it was over.I asked Lanes nurse, My baby is going to die isnt he?She told me no he isnt that bad.If he wasnt that bad, why had they already bagged his personal possesions?
Later that morning they tell me that Lane has NEC again, but there isnt a Dr on call because its a weekend, so my sick baby has to lay there in pain all weekend waiting for surgery.
By the time Lane has his surgery all but a foot of his intestines are gone, he did good through the surgery, and he had just enough intestines to live , but there is a problem............Lane cant urninate .We go 24 hours and still nothing, they do tests and lanes kidneys have died because of the swelling of his intestine while he was waiting on his surgery.

Lane turns septic, and starts turning black from his feet up.He is maxed out on morphine and still in pain.The last straw is when I am sitting there , and the nurse if trying to get enough blood out of Lanes foot for a blood gas test and she cant get any blood, thers nothing left.She squeezes and squeezes Lanes little foot,and he just looks at me like " help me Mommy, It hurts so bad" Lane looked so defeated, and so very tired.
his heart had started stopping and starting, and it was only a matter of time.They only thing tying Lane to this worl was that machine and the meds.I told the nurse to leave my son alone, that he had been through enough!!It was time to let go and let my baby rest.
They brought me the paper work to sign to remove life support.I signed knowing I was setting Lane free from all of this pain, yet feeling like I was signing his little life away.hey take Lane off of his bed, and turn off al of his monitors , they give him to me and I sing to him, I tell him how much I love him, and how proud I am of him.I tell him that I am so sorry that things turned out this way, and I ask him to forgive me.
The nurses turn off the machines, and I hold Lane so close, and as I am singing to him, a tear runs down his cheek.I told him, "Lane, baby, I know you hurt so bad, but when you go to sleep, when you wake up baby, you are going to be in Jesus`s arms, and I promise that you wont hurt anymore, and you are gonna look up Lane, and jesus is going to be smiling at you and you will NEVER EVER hurt again, and I promise baby, that when I can I will be there with you" Lane slipped away so quick in less than 3 minutes he was gone, it was like watching a candle be blown out.He was that sick......3 minutes off the machine and he was gine, when just a week before he could be off the machine 30 minuets at a time to be bathed and cuddled.
There is so much more I could write about Lanes story this is the short version, and not all of it.This is the first time I have really went into detail, and I am crying so hard, it hurts like it was just yesterday.I still miss him so much its like a big raw wound that will never heal.....

In 6 short weeks this child taught me more about
Love,Hope,Faith, Giving,and sacrifice than some one who lives to be a hundred could. The day Lane could struggle no longer, and We had to chose to take him off of life support was the day a big part of my heart and soul died too. I sat, and begged the Lord to take me too, and I know that was selfish, because of my two boys.Lane hasnt really left me, I know he lives on in my heart.Sometimes though, that dosent seem like much, when you are hurting. I think of all the people who came to know, and love Lane .He touched so many peoples hearts.Lane is also missed by his brothers, Cameron, Clayton,and C.J. and yes, Lane was named after Lane Frost, the bullrider portrayed in the movie 8 seconds,Clayton named him. His is terribly missed by his Uncle Ronnie & Aunt Wendy, and his cousin Tyler. Lane I hope you know that Ronnie and Wendy love and miss you so much, That they named their baby Tristan Lane Rainer, Tristan was due on the same day you were due on in may, but the following year. Oh, they miss you! Your Maw Maw, and Paw Paw, and Uncle Todd, Uncle Wade &Bethany and Jake miss you too. Uncle Rollie, misses you too, he always felt so bad he didnt get to see you, he talks about that alot,but you know he loved you so much. I could go on and on about how everyone misses you, but, theres not enough room on here..... Lane I will never get over losing you....I miss you SO MUCH!!! I just hurt inside all the time, it`s a terrible feeling. I know you were hurting, and tired.I know you are with GOD But, Not a day goes by in my life that I wish I could turn back time, and be beside your bed again in the nicu. I go to the Ronald McDonald house alot, I feel your spirit so close there.I made many friends there because of you. 6 weeks were not enough.I know one day we will have eternity, but that seems so far away. I love you so, my last little baby. Love,Mommy


This poem was read at my son's Lanes's Funeral

THE FUNERAL
Recorded by Hank Williams, Sr.
Writer: Fred Rose
I was walking in Savannah past a church, decayed and dim
When slowly through the window came a plaintive funeral hymn
And my sympathy awakened and a wonder quickly grew
'Til I found myself envired in a little pew.
Out front a couple sat in sorrow, nearly wild
On the altar was a casket and in the casket was a child
I could picture him while livin', curly hair, protuding lips
I'd seen perhaps a thousand in my hurried southern trips.
Rose a sad, old preacher from his little wooden desk
With a manner sorta awkward, and countenance grotesque
The simplicity and shrewdness in his weathered face
Showed the wisdom and ignorance of a crushed, undying race.
And he said, "Now don't be weepin' for this pretty bit of clay
For the little boy who lived there has done gone and run away
He was doin' very finely and he appreciates your love
But his shore 'nuff Father wanted him in the big house up above.
The Lord didn't give you that baby, by no hundred thousand miles
He just thought you need some sunshine, and He lent it for awhile
And He let you keep and love it 'til your hearts were bigger grown
And these silver tears you're sheddin' now is just interest on the loan.
Just think, my poor dear mourners, creepin' 'long on sorrows life's way
What a blessed picnic this here baby got today
Your good fathers and good mothers crowd the little fellow 'round
In the Angel's tender garden of the big plantation ground.
And his eyes they brightly sparkle at the pretty things he viewed
But a tear came, and he whispered, 'I want my parents , too'
But then the Angel's chief musicians teach that little boy a song
Says if only they be faithful they'll soon be comin' 'long.
So, my poor detached mourners, let your hearts with Jesus rest
And don't go to criticizin' the One what knows the best
He has give us many comforts, He's got the right to take away
To the Lord be praised in glory, forever, let us pray."